[Ed. Note: Hey everybody - Remember when Ashlee Simpson married that ugly guy from Fall Out Boy? No? Yeah, me either. Anyways, I was going through my folder of random garbage I wrote way back when and came across this hidden gem. And it makes me laugh, so. WHATEVER. CUE 2008 TORI:]

 When I heard Ashlee Simpson is engaged to Pete “down down dona do wea dun” Wentz, and bitch was probably pregnant I had to say “woah woah woah WAIT.” Then I went and ate a rice crispy treat, and debated how I would look if I made my bangs even more extreme and in your face. And then of course I wrote a short 1 act play. ENJOY. 

“YOU MAKE ME WANNA LA LA” 

A play in (thankfully) one act. 

The Stage Lights come up. We are in a Wedding Chapel, Midday. the alter is beautiful and the sign that reads “SPONSORED BY MYSPACE” directly above PASTOR JOE SIMPSON adds a special touch that lets you know this wedding is one of a kind. MYSPACE, of course the #1 Online Community will be streaming today’s ceremony.The organist plays a slow and touching version of “THNKS 4 THE MEMORIES” as PETE WENTZ stands proudly in a white tuxedo tee shirt, pants, converse sneakers and matching arm bands. In the crowd are such celebrities as Carson Daly, Good Charlotte, and a boring and sober Lindsay Lohan. 

PAPA JOE: you nervous there uh Pete? 

PETE: Well- 

PAPA JOE: Becuase its okay to be nervous. Especially when you’re marrying a silver medal such as my little Ashlee. 

PETE: Well - 

PAPA JOE: (chuckles) Oh and Good Luck on trying to get her to whip out the goods 

An Awkward silence ensues. 

PAPA JOE: I uh, mean Baked goods. Not her uh, Boobies. …. ANYWAYS, AS A MAN OF GOD, LETS GET THIS WEDDING STARTED. 

PETE: Whu- 

A pop-punk version of Here Comes the Bride starts up. Its pretty awful. That fat guy from Fall Out Boy is singing except he forgot a bunch of the words so he’s just kind of mumbling everything together and hoping TOM from MYSPACE doesnt notice becuase that would be like, totally embarrassing. in comes the bride. Ashlee Comes barelling down the aisle wearing the best Urban Outfitters has to Offer. The crowd sits. Lindsay Lohan is still boring and sober. 

PAPA JOE: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to 

FAT GUY FROM F.O.B.: (interruping and singing while the band starts up) DANCEDANCEWE’REFOULINGAPARKWITHGRIME!

PETE: HEY HEY, NOT NOW………….. but actually? honestly, that was pretty sweet. 

FAT GUY FROM F.O.B: Omg i know right. I thought of that when we were playing Guitar Hero the other day

PETE: Psh, Remember how Carson couldnt even nail “Crazy on You” HA. What an asshole… 

Carson Daly shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 

PAPA JOE: AHEAM. LIKE I WAS SAYING, we are gathered here today to join Pete Wentz and My Ashlee Here in Holy Matrimony.  I’m sure all of you remember the last wedding I preformed was of course my sweet Jessica’s. (Looks off into the distance wistfully) She was just, so. Beautiful that day. i mean the way that dress accented those beautiful assets our God, the holy father gave her? I mean DAMNNNN. I just, ugh, oh my good god, what a beautiful sight 

The entire congregation just stares. Ashlee looks like she’s about to burst into tears or do a hoe down. Maybe both. you never really know with her. Pete is trying to fix his bangs so they fall perfectly into his eyes.

ASHLEE: Dad? 

PAPA JOE: (snaps out of it) Yes Asslee? 

ASHLEE: ITS ASHLEE DAD. NOT ASSLEE. I DONT CARE IF THATS HOW THE EUROPEANS PRONOUCE IT. ITS ASHLEE AND SERIOUSLY - 

PETE: (interrupting) yo uh, Pops, can we hurry this up? The photographer is going to be here soon to take our new Myspace Profile pictures. 

PAPA JOE:Oh yeah, okay. Anyways. Lets skip all the boring stuff. I mean, its not like this is going to be #1 on Myspace anyways 

The congregation laughs except for TOM from Myspace who blames the Fat Guy from FOB for forgetting the words to “here comes the bride” 

PAPA JOE: All right, anybody have an objections to why these two shouldnt be married? 

In bursts Jessica Simpson bracing an unconcious Tony Romo to make it appear as if they are walking side by side with his arm around here. Think Weekend at Bernies. 

JESSICA: I OBJECT AND SO DOES TONY 

TONY: grraghdgsah. 

ASHLEE: Are you fucking kidding me. Havent any of you listened to my cds? I’M SICK OF BEING IN THE SHADOWS 

JESSICA: - Of Someone else’s dream. OF course I’ve heard your CD sis. AT THE DOLLAR STORE. Becuase thats what your music is worth… a dollar

STEVE JOBS: I dont know why I’m here, but i’ll have you know the Itunes store charges .99 cents a song. So her music is worth a dollar! and hey everybody, don’t forget to pick up an iphone. Coming in 2009 we’re going to come out with an adaptor that will sync your Iphone up with your Pace Maker - I know it really is an I-life, Apple, changing the way you- 

JESSICA pulls out a gun and shoots Steve Jobs point fucking blank.  

BILL GATES: Woah hey, thanks! I actually have no idea what this is but I certainly - 

JESSICA shoots Bill Gates too. 

JESSICA: ANYBODY ELSE? ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO PLAY WISE. Now there is going to be a wedding today, but It will. be. mine.  

ASHLEE: Jessica, see, shaninigans like this are why i didnt make you maid of honor. Plus, i figured if you had a starring role my wedding would bomb worse than your last movie, AMIRIGHT? 

The congregation laughs again 

JESSICA: just omg shut up. shut up shut up. In fact, get out of my church. You arent invited to my wedding. 

ASHLEE: Jessica, you’re being crazy

JESSICA: Crazy? CRAZY? I don’t think you comprehend this sis I am the older sister. I get married first 

ASHLEE: You did get married first 

JESSICA: THAT WAS A PRACTICE WEDDING! PRACTICE WEDDING! 

ASHLEE: Dad! Stop this! 

PAPA JOE: Girls Girls. Stop this Bickering. This is a happy day - 

ASHLEE gives a smug smile. 

PAPA JOE: And that of course is the day MY LITTLE GIRL marries THE STARTING QUARTERBACK FOR THE DALLAS COWBOYS, WOO! 

ASHLEE: ….wut 

JESSICA: I”M BACK!

JESSICA throws her arms up in the air and jumps as Tony Romo collapses on the floor. 6 days later he awakens to find out he is a married man. Joe Buck weeps for days in the Arms of Troy Aikman after finding out the ~sexiest quarterback in the league~ is married. 

THE END?

This is stretching it. I’ll admit it. What are we 4 posts in, and already I’m resorting to the collection of random crappy pictures I’ve taken while out and about with my phone. But it was either this or a post about Miley Cyrus’s shitty cover of “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” - so, it could be worse. Actually in the case of any of my projects, there’s always the possibility that it can always definitely be at least 2 to 3 times worse. ANYWAYS - 

I was at the Sal Val this afternoon, where I discovered a wonderful array of sweet “merch” that probably lightened the wallet of a superfan 5 or 6 years ago. Or maybe even last month. I don’t know, with country artists its hard to tell - aquanet is timeless.

So, lets look at what people wasted money on! 

Double the AWESOMENESS. Only not, because well it’s an American Idols LIVE shirt. Sponsored by Pop Tarts. 

I can’t tell if this shirt is promoting a new album or an actual crush on Bon Jovi Crush. Either way, no thanks. 

…Why does it look like Elton John is in a hail of gunfire? 

This may have been donated by some poor white trash, but FANCY is this shirt!

Everybody hates JC Chasez. Even in Bobblehead form. 

There are a few universal truths when it comes to music. 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all pop songs or stars are created equal, that certain power ballads are endowed by their creators with certain amazing guilt ridden pleasure, and that Lionel Ritchie may have written some of the worst fucking songs that the world has ever heard.* 

[* Hold on. I’ll explain myself]

 However, one of the more basic truths of music is this - a good music video can make an okay song awesome.( See: Every song Spike Jonze has ever directed a video for. Especially ‘Praise You’ by Fatboy Slim) This may not hold as much weight anymore because music videos are dying, but I still subscribe wholly to this concept like so much Seventeen magazine.  

So when just looking at the song “I Like It” ( a Pitbull and Enrique “I will be your Hero” Iglesias joint) you realize right away that the video director was facing an uphill battle. The song itself is…not great or even really… okay.

By which I mean, it’s awful. 

So when faced with that challenge, what do you do. You gotta keep rolling with the awfulness so… YOU MAKE A VIDEO WITH THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE, YO! 

KIDS LOVE THE JERSEY SHORE RIGHT? Snookz! The Situation! The guy who punches everybody! the other ones! Surely this terrible but C-list star studded video  will make everybody ignore the Jock Jams-esque Beats, Enrique’s desperate and almost needy vocals, and Pitbull’s random bursts of awful rapping. Maybe we’ll all even ignore the sampling of Lionel Ritchie’s god awful “All Night Long”!

And you know what? IT WORKS. As soon as I made the Jersey Shore/ “I Like It” connection I was immediately like ‘YES, I CAN FISTPUMP TO THIS SONG. FINALLY’ And now I do so in my car. A lot. Because I am an idiot who is an awful driver. The video is a disaster, and the song itself is a bigger mess than the BP Oil Spill. But its a hot mess, and I shamefully find myself turning up the radio every time it’s on. It’s a glorified radio jingle through and through, a tool to promote the “HOT” new season of Jersey Shore in Miami. 

And that is why the video is perfect.  So now if Enrique could just go back to writing crazy stalker songs, that would be great. (“you can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love” - what the fuck is that anyways?) And Pitbull can go back to teaching us all how to count in spanish, even though we all learned from Sesame Street anyways.